(well, i hope not on my own)
i've registered a new lj (paid account! yay!). its time for something new.
i hope you all will follow me to _ofsomepassion. because its important to me.
xoxo.
i will, in my own way, miss airandangels. but life is change. especially right now.feeling:  calm hearing: empty house |
last night i dreamt about dan. well, it was this morning, really. between 6 something am when ryan woke me up to ask where the belt clip was for the ipod cover and 7.45 am when i finally forced myself out of bed for work. it was nice. strange, in this theatrical kind of way. but nice.
it started in connetquot high school. he ran into me in the east hallway on the second floor, near the english classrooms. we were walking in opposite directions, but when he saw me, he swung around and came up behind me. he slipped an arm around me. we went to my locker (north hallway on the second floor, where it was all 3 years of high school) to drop things off and then we went outside. on the way we ran into mr. phillips who had been my choir teacher in junior high, but who somehow knew dan. once we were outside we were no longer at the high school, it was like we were outside some huge mall/entertainment complex. we were looking for my car, the little red jetta, somewhere in the parking lot. i was too focused on him to really be paying attention to where i may have parked. i was too focused on his arm around me, or his hand in mine. we kept switching from arms around each other, to holding hands, fingers wound together, back to arms around eachother, back to holding hands. i was so aware of every point of physical contact. of now near he was. of how good it felt.
we kept seeing people we knew. janitors from the high school i remember, security guards too. but fellow students were there. the two lisas were together. we saw steve, and pat. dan didn't pay them much attention, just shook their hands and turned back to me, always moving, always looking for the car but paying more attention to each other. circling the parking lot.
i don't know what it means or meant. i'm not much for dream interpretation, although, unlike some people i know, i do think that there is something to dreams. that they're telling you something. the only thing i know right now, is that i never dream about the guys i'm interested in. i mean, really, i almost never remember my dreams when i awake. but its even less likely for the dream, if remembered, to be about a guy i like. that i remember it at all says something to me. i'm just not sure what.
but i'm not here to ramble on and on about some silly dream. about some guy i'm crushing on who i might not see again for years at a time (it was 3 years between selina's party and the previous time i'd seen dan).
really, i'm here to talk about the half blood prince, and as promised (so i don't spoil anyone), it's ( behind the cut... )feeling: my back hurts hearing: summer sunshine, the corrs (trapped in my head) |
my eyes are still burning from the tears (what can i say, i'm a cryer) but i'm done with half-blood-prince.
i have so much to say, methinks. but i'm going to hold on to it for a little while, because i need to let the whole thing settle in a little bit.
and rest assured, tomorrow or whenever it is i make my 'review' type post, i will put it behind a cut. i don't want to ruin anything for anyone.
xo.feeling:  accomplished hearing: a silent house |
i still owe a rockapella review. its mostly written, i swear.
thanks, to everyone who has responded to my last few entries. its meant a lot. every word of every comment. i know i haven't replied to many comments, but i just...i want people to know that i noticed, and that i cared, and that it was special.
it think carrie and karen, at the least, hit the nail on the head. had i made out with dan, i would be no less confused today than i am. in fact, i would probably be more so. i never thought of it that way. i got so wrapped up in other little crappy details, but you're right. the kiss wouldn't have made things better inside my head.
i'm just trying to let things lie. whatever happens is whatever happens. its okay to have a crush from afar, if thats all it ever turns out to be. i haven't had an honest to god crush in a long time. and as strangely frustrating as it is, its also kind of nice. to be aware that i can still have crushes like that. i'd almost forgotten they happened, its been so long.
what selina said, although it still bothers me in this nondistinct way, is perhaps some of the worst advice i've ever gotten. and even at the time i knew that. even as she was saying it. i think, i'll disgregard it.
i asked my dad about it later that night. that's how annoyed i was. "dad, do guys not like girls who talk to much?" he laughed at me. so did my mom. they both disagreed with selina, more on the principle that there is no reason for anyone to change who they are to impress a member of the opposite sex. they've been teaching me that since i was a teenager, i think they were almost upset that i'd even consider the advice. but my dad made a fair point, picking out the only possible shred of wisdom in selina's opinion--there's a difference between talking too much, and not listening enough. listening, he said, is important. talking too much on occasion, is not. people, if they are worthy, will see past too much talk sometimes. they will not, and should not, however, look past the fact that someone is a poor listener. just make sure you're a good listener. he's entirely right. i just hope i'm a good listener when i need to be.
anyway. new subject.
i want to go see charlie and the chocolate factory tonight. i've really been looking forward to it. but i know that i already have partial plans for late night, cause its james's birthday, and if there end up being any other plans earlier in the evening that involve dan, well, i'll want to be there. it would be easy to just say 'fuck the movie' if i wasn't so excited about it, and if i thought i'd have another chance to go this weekend. but between sunday brunch with the extended family, and this little 600+ page book by the name of harry potter, my weekend is booked solid.
it all sounds kind of funny. a twentytwo year old girl, trying squeeze in a trip to the bar where she could see her crush, and worrying over whether or not there will be enough time in between harry potter and charlie and the chocolate factory. hah. am i really twenty two?
shirley sent me a text message. she's decided to go home early. the other two are going to spend the last month of summer in san francisco, and she's heading back to ireland. it better be because of money, and money alone. if its because of the fucking boyfriend, the asshole, i'll be really upset. i am upset, really, that she's leaving early. but i kind of expected it, since she was so bad at planning for the trip and financially i know she's totally screwed herself over. i don't understand how someone, a year in advance, plans a trip abroad for a duration of three months, and in the year between the planning and the travelling, doesn't manage to save more than 200 dollars. like. come on. no wonder you have to leave early.
i'm going to try and convince her to come out to long island and stay for a little while longer, maybe a week or two. just cause i want to get to spend more time with her. and it'll be nice to get some time with just her, and not the other two (not that i don't love them both). plus, i know caitlin really wants shirley to come to the big party they throw up in ithaca every summer. and that's august 13th. if i can keep shirley here until then, i know that would make a lot of people happy. and my parents don't charge rent, or make people pay for groceries...so...yeah, that shouldn't be too bad for shirley. i'm preparing to beg.
my back hurts. and the office is boring the life out of me. i cannot wait for it to be five pm.
as random and senseless as that entry probably was, i'm going to head off. because i do need to get some work done. as shocking as that may be ;)
hope everyone enjoys the next few days. unless something huge happens, i probably won't be back here until sunday or monday. clearly, my time will be devoted to making sure i finish half-blood-prince. the excitement is disgusting. hope you're all feeling it too ;)
xo.feeling:  hopeful |
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Jun. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:14 pm
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it seems, in the past few days i've had a lot to say about hanson. i'm not going to post most of it here. or any of it, really. i think i'll channel it all into updates for fall on your knees. it's not that i'm afraid to say it, i'm not. but, i think, this just isn't the venue. it would turn into something much more directed, and it's not really about that. or, i don't want it to be. this place is far too personal.
which is all good. i have a lot of feelings about other people's hurt feelings and i just don't want to stir the shit pot. i don't see it doing much good. i'm just not interested in that kind of drama. i'm too old now, or something ;)
leigh anne is having her bachelorette party this saturday. three years after she got married. i was invited to attend, but honestly, i am not terribly interested in attending. it's an adult accessories party, or something like that. whatever its called. it's like the mary-kay party of the adult entertainment world--lingerie and 'toys' and such. i don't even know who is going to be there, i certainly don't want to go and sit around with a group of mostly strangers and have people try and talk me into buying vibrators and lube. not my idea of fun. unfortunately nicole doesn't want to go alone, so she decided for me that i would attend with her.
unfortunately for nicole, shirley and i got a last minute invite to our cousin genevieve's high school graduation party upstate. i know that shirley and the girls could go without me. but i also would really like to get to see that side of the family. and shirley requested that i come, said she'd feel much more comfortable. and really, i was looking for an out from the awkward-sex-toys-and-strangers party anyway. so i'll be heading into the city tomorrow night, showing the girls around on saturday, and then going to marlborough on sunday for the party. i'm really feeling like a quiet weekend at home with a book, if i'm honest. but i don't know when i'm going to have a chance to show the girls around again and stuff. so. yeah. busy weekend it is.
i have this habit of building perfect outfits inside my head. this is generally irrespective of whether or not i actually own the pieces involved in the outfit. in fact, 9 times out of 10, i am missing at least one of the pieces i have built into this perfect outfit. example. i have to wear something to this party on sunday with all kinds of relative i haven't seen in ages. so i start going through the options in my head, and ultimately, build a very carrie-bradshaw-esque deal. including platform shoes i don't have and can't afford, and a short sleeved cropped sweater over a tank top. and now, its in my head. and it won't go away. and it's so perfect. so when i'm in the mall, returning 2 pairs of jeans i bought and promptly changed my mine about, i find shoes that are close to affordable, and close to the perfect ones in the ideal outfit i've built. and so, i buy them. brown wood soled platform slingback sandals with gold 'leather' knotting at the toes. they're amazing. now all i need is the short sleeved cropped sweater part (the ones i own already are long sleeved). sigh. this outfit building in my head is an expensive habit. but whatever. i'll grab one of the sweater things at target tomorrow when i go to pick up a gift for genevieve.
speaking of. anyone been to the uk? if you have, ever been to boots? it's a drugstore. kind of like a cvs or a rite aid or whatever. i loved it when i was in ireland. i got addicted to this store brand line of skin care called 'mediterranean.' but i'm running out of the products i bought while i was over there. and i totally forgot to ask shirley and sinead to bring some stuff over with them. but all is well. because last night when i was in target, i found that they had added an entire aisle of boots products to the store. omg. no seriously. omg. literally, i squealed and ran for the display, repeating to myself how excited i was. i got some of the weirdest looks! which, i suppose i deserved, i was far too excited about a line of skincare products from another country. but whatever. i love that stuff. i picked up the wonderbalm i was in love with, but they didn't have the toner i'm addicted to. hopefully they'll have that soon, like, when they restock or something.
this post has been so random. but finally, its 5.30, so i can leave the office! thank god. my brain is fried by the end of the day lately. and its taken me all day to peck out this entry.
i'm off. perhaps, more tomorrow. perhaps, important or sensical things tomorrow.
xo.feeling: fried hearing: climbing the walls- bsb |
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i'm feeling a bit choppy today. bulleted. so, here's a bulleted entry for the day.
& rock of ages: michael jackson, on his website, aligns the day of his aquittal with other important days in history such as the day the berlin wall fell, the day martin luther king jr was born, and the day nelson mandela was freed from prison. personally, i don't think the day of his aquittal is worthy of such comparison. however, the day he dies from suffocation by massive ego, will probably be worthy of such comparison.
& a not so shocking (and yet, still painful) revelation: i like crappy pop music. not that this will shock any of you. but it's not an easy thing to admit. i like to consider myself smart, talented, somewhat hip if a bit dorky, in the know, etc. this, i view, as one of my weaknesses. i like crappy pop music. that's not easy, or pleasant, to admit. but it has to be done. because it's the truth. and we're not even just talking music of the hanson sort, because even this, in comparison to some of my loves, is really high quality stuff. yesterday, because i knew nicole would kill me if i didn't, i bought the new backstreet boys album. day of release, just like i used to back in the day. and the thing is, although i've not listened to it in its entirety yet, i like it. it's good. better than their usual. i liken it to their version of 'underneath.' better instrumentation, better lyric work for the most part, etc. i blasted 'poster girl' over and over as i drove down sunrise highway from target/b&n toward my house.
& i call it the weirdest interview ever: now, i don't have an awful lot of experience interviewing for jobs. i'm young. i've only been out for a short time even really looking for jobs. (although i still maintain that i have far more experience than i wanted to have.) but i still think the job interview i went on yesterday was weird. way weird. i went in there, and we didn't talk about the position i was there to interview for. we talked about other jobs. other jobs/people i should talk to about jobs within the company. other jobs i should look into at OTHER companies. all this stuff. basically she said she thinks they could use my experience better, and that i'd be happier, in a different type of job function. which is cool, but she doesn't even know if those jobs are available at all. so why are we talking about them when clearly, i came in here to talk about this job, because i WANT this job?!?! it was confusing, and strange, and i'm thinking, it probably means that i won't be getting the job. GAH.
& laugh out loud: one of selina's ex-boyfriends keeps in touch with her still. i don't like him at all and can't figure out why she even entertains his racist, sexist, wealth-obsessed ass. but lately, the news he shares has been so amusing, it's almost worth putting up with his over-all-disgustingness. today, he told her that he quit his job. (he's a year older than us, and this is his first real job.) he just walked in, and said 'i quit' and left. his reasoning 'they're not paying me what i'm worth.' laughable really. actually, now they're going to sue him because they paid for all of his training and certification, this wall street firm. what's really amusing to me is this: you are entry level, you didn't even graduate from that great of a school. you are worth nothing. you will work yourself to the bone and make little money. this is the way of the world. just cause mommy and daddy were rich doesn't make you worth any more salary at a brand new job when you are a brand new graduate with a bachelors degree.
& there was less blood, but more bruises: the graduation party went off without a hitch. it was wonderful. i was so busy trying to play hostess that i didn't get nearly enough time with anyone, i hardly ate anything, and i couldn't have more than one drink in a row. but i enjoyed seeing everyone. and i enjoyed what food and libation i did manage to get my hands on. i have to say, my parents throw a good party. anyway. all of my friends have heard of the madness of a mckenna party. and although, in some ways, this party was less mad than others (no fights between uncles, thank god), there was of course the traditional uncles versus nephews basketball game. otherwise known as the old men versus the young men. its a best of three games, three on three tournament. uncles kevin, greg and pat on the old men's team, cousins zack and chris and my brother on the young men's team. as usual, the game was insane. violence and agression abound. angry faces and near heart-attacks on the court all in service of pride. of the ability to brag about victory for a year or so to come. i thought my uncle kevin was going to spit out teeth after a head-but from chris. patrick has a huge bruise on his chest. greg managed to put long thin bruises on chris' side, in the wake of dragging his fingers across chris' skin playing 'defense.' in the end, the wives talked them down from a third game, so the series ended tied at one game a piece. bloody cuts from falling on the court and heavy breathing weren't the only marks left behind. it was amusing, to say the least, to watch family members try and kill each other for victory in a silly backyard tournament. when asked what she thought karen laughed, and said 'there was less blood, but more bruising than i expected.'
& making bank, etc: all told, i got a few really cute gifts (a take out menu box, frozen cosmopolitan bucket and glasses, photo album) some nice jewlery (charm for my braceley, silver tenis bracelet) gift cards for apartment furnishing, and a fair load of loot. all of this loot has been deposited in my bank account to be used, most likely, in getting together an apartment (deposits, paint, furniture, etc). hopefully, with this last interview at the bank, and the new interviews they have promised to line up for me at the bank, i will soon have that city job and i will be able to starting looking for apartments. anyway. with all of this new money in the bank, i'm feeling a little better about my future (if only a little). encouraged by my parents, i took money i recieved from cashing old savings bonds (baptism and communion gifts), and bought myself a new ipod yesterday. ipod photo to be exact (mainly because it has a larger harddrive and better battery life). i'm excited. it will come in handy on my next long commute into the city for my next job interview. i was guilty/sad about replacing my ipod (even though i've been talking about saving up for a new one for months--the old one is dying slowly), but my parents talked me into it. i figure, if they're encouraging me to spend money (which they never do) then it's probably okay. they basically said if i used this money to buy myself something nice, i could then save all the rest of my grad money for more boring/basic stuff later and not be tempted to spend it. which is a fair point.
& summer wind: yesterday manhattan was disgusting. humid and hot. the air hit you square in the chest when you stepped outside. i felt like i was breathing under water. and there i was, running all over the city, in a black wool suit. right. smart plan. in the summer, i think that companies should forgive the interview-code-of-behavior in reference to dress. because seriously. full suit midsummer is just awful. sweaty and smelly and uncomfortable. if i have to keep this up, i'm going to have a dry cleaning bill so high i won't be able to see over it.
& subjects you can't breach: it's killing me that i know the shitty things that shirley's boyfriend tando has done to her, and yet, i can't talk to her about them. i had to hear from someone else, a witness, because she won't tell anyone. she knows what we'll think. so she lies. i want to talk to her about it. to tell her to drop her illegal alien boyfriend at home, who has little direction or future, who treats her like she's property, who spends all her money, and who cheats on her a lot (within the first three months he'd slept with 2 girls and hooked up with a furter 3, and she knows about it all). she's spending all her time here staring at his picture and crying and thinking about sacrificing her experience entirely just to go home to him. maybe, to marry him so he can't be deported from ireland back to zimbabwe. and its killing me. i don't want to lecture her. but i don't want her to mess up her life for a guy who CLEARLY does not value her nearly enough.
& laugh of the day: (besides, of course, laura's genius over-heard in ny find.) i find this joke far funnier than i probably should. but this is because, not only am i an english major, but an art lover and a total dork.
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
xoxo.
Jun. 15th, 2005 @ 10:57 am
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i heard vertigo on the radio this morning on my drive to work. i love that song. even if bono is unable to count to four properly.
if you guys don't all know about/haven't joined the ONE campaign, you should. i signed on a while back and i've been wearing the white wrist band. it's important. check it out. www.one.org
i've been trying to write an entry for days. but every time i sit down it all comes out in this jumbled, whiny mess. i don't want to be that girl. i'm fighting that girl so hard that its overwhelming.
shelby always says that the twenties are MUCH harder than our teens were. she's right. i don't know what i was thinking when i was seventeen and having my breakdown, and thinking, god, this has got to be the worst things can get. this mess inside my head. this mess in my life. this feeling of directionlessness and failure all around me. this fear of letting go of who my parents saw and becoming who i needed to be. i was so dramatic. and sure, at the time, it was big and ugly and hard. but it was nothing, NOTHING, compared to this.
so i'll say it now and get it out of the way. my life is a mess. i live with my parents again. i have no job. (freelancing doesn't count) i'm tired of building myself up for interviews only to be knocked violently back down to earth when i don't get the job. i'm beginning to blame myself, to believe horrible things about myself, because i don't know who or what else to blame. and it's bad for my self-image. even when i know, logically, it's not me. it's just that i'm easy to blame. especially when i watch the people around me go out and succeed. i hate that i can't be as happy for my friends as i want to be, because in the back of my mind, is the jealousy. they 'why them? why not me?' suddenly, i'm not an over-achiever anymore. that's hard to let go of.
it's hard not to know what's going on with my life. when i will have a job. when i will be able to get an apartment. when i will be able to get out of here. where will my friends be in a few months? where will i be in a few months? so much uncertaintly it's overwhelming.
to be honest, i'm bad. i know i'm bad because my parents are starting to worry about little stuff. like my sleeping habits. when your mother starts asking if you're depressed, you know something is probably going on. i need to see someone. this much i know. unfortunately, since i've aged out of my parents health-insurance, i have to get my own coverage and the only kind i can afford (and i use the word afford loosely) doesn't cover mental health care. so yeah. i guess i won't be seeing anyone for quite some time.
but i'm tired of talking about it. of thinking about it. of sitting in my bedroom alone for hours on end, crying. fuck that. this is not the end of the world. people have it worse. i am spoiled, and i need to cut it out.
so on with the good things. because, despite all the whinging i'm doing, there are many good things in my life.
last weekend shirley and sinead arrived from dublin. i helped them move into their apartment thursday, and friday when sharon arrived from boston we took a trip out to long island. it was an eventful trip. in columbus circle, the four of us in my little red jetta, i was hit by an uninsured 18 year old driving a u-haul mini truck. oh yeah, and he only had a permit. it's illegal to drive in manhattan with only a permit. so. that was an adventure. he did about 1100 dollars of damage to my car (1100 i don't have). they gave me 500 cash on the spot and agreed to pay for the rest. we'll see what happens with that.
but hey, at least the girls had something to call home about. they got to watch a real new yorker go into real new yorker mode, screaming at a teenaged driver, who was trying to claim it wasn't his fault he was driving in two lanes and he ran into me. it was interesting. the rest of the weekend was laid back. driving around the area to show them where i grew up. old navy shopping trips. seeing survivor winner tom westman (who is from around here). nights of bar-b-que and drinking and hot tub use. sunday at the beach. more drinking.
i contracted a nasty headcold from sinead, which kind of sucks. but other than that, i'm doing good. i'm just so glad they're here. it's hard to go from sharing a 7x7 bedroom with someone for 6 months to not seeing them at all. strange, to leave behind someone who has shared so much of your life at such a crucial time. seeing shirley again is awesome. i missed her so much.
tonight i'm going into the city. caitlin is coming down into the city and she wants to go to TJs. she has nowhere to stay (not the best planning, clearly) so i'm going in, that way she can tag along with me and stay with shirley/sinead/sharon in their place. we're going to go to TJs, and i think karen and ragini will join us, since karen is in the city visiting with ragini for a few days before the party. then friday, all of us pile onto the lirr and head back out to the island (no more driving in the city for me for a little while!). lots of party prep to do on friday and saturday. then sunday's the big day. the count is somewhere well over 80 now, which is crazy and exciting. i'm really looking forward to seeing everyone--from the babies to the family members coming down whom i haven't seen since i was like, 12. its weird, how events like this bring people together. a good kind of weird, though. i'm glad, for all the stupid rifts we have in my family, that some people still make the effor to maintain connections.
i ordered half-blood-prince online yesterday. it arrives on release day, according to amazon. this worked out well for me last time, with order of the phoenix. i'm looking forward to it. even though i feel kind of silly being this excited about a children's book. heh. whatever. i've just begun re-reading goblet of fire, and then i'll move on to order of the phoenix before i get my copy of half blood prince and read through it in less than 24 hours like i did last time. i'm crazy. and i'm a dork. at least i've accepted that much, though.
next tuesday i have a job interview. someone, somewhere, cross your fingers for me. i don't know how many more of these i can take.
xo.
Jun. 9th, 2005 @ 11:41 am
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can i just take a moment to explain the pleasure of listening to the adult/top 40 radio station's no-repeat workday, all day, while at work? oh. that's right. there really isn't much pleasure in it. i forgot for a second there.
i will say, however, that it's a shame whitney houston went so crazy. i wonder, if she ever gets uncrazy, which clearly is an 'if', i wonder if she'll still have that voice. going crazy certainly didn't help mariah carey's voice, which seems to have disappeared for the most part, what with all it's recent lack of use.
anyway.
the office is deserted today. day before a holiday weekend. damn everyone who can afford to take the day off. ;) being unsalaried, being paid by the hour, means if you fuck around, you make no money. and i'm in SERIOUS need of money. i had to put my gas on a credit car this morning. because i don't have enough money to pay for it up front. which is probably related to the fact that its 2.30 a gallon now, if you find a cheap place. gah. i remember when i was just starting to drive, i had to start budgeting my money a little more carefully, because i'd need to pay for gas. at the time, everyone was freaking out about how expensive gas was and how it kept going up and up. at the time, i always kept an extra 30 bucks lying around, premise being, with a 15 gallon tank, gas couldn't cost more than 30 dollars. because as ridiculously expensive as gas was getting, it just could NOT go over 2.00 a gallon. that would just be horrendous. impossible. haha. how i miss those days. back then it was 1.60-ish when it was expensive. in a few years, its swung up by 70 cents a gallon. crazy.
so. i'm almost through the first two weeks (phase one) of south beach. which is kind of exciting. for the most part, i don't mind it. i don't really miss the pasta or the bread or anything, not in any major way. what can get to me once in a while is the lack of variety. no bread no pasta no rice no cereal no fruit. that can get tough. especially when you don't eat meat. especially when you don't particularly love eggs (at least, not every single morning). especially when a girl is PMSing. last night, i went out to pick up milk for my parents and it took me almost 10 full minutes to talk myself down from the sugar-free lowfat icecream. i knew i didn't really need it. i knew it wasn't exactly carb free, and certainly was not a part of phase one. but being only a few days before my period, my body was doing its best to convince me that i definitely, definitely needed it. finally, i did manage to leave it alone. i went home and had a mug of sugar-free hot chocolate instead. that kind of did the trick. fortunately, i was too tired to really think about much. i barely read 3 chapters of my book before i had to put it down. sooo tired.
damn job interviews. i'm not going to talk much about this one. because i keep jinxing myself. and i need a job. so i don't want to continue jinxing myself. but regardless of the details, i arrived home around 4.30 pm and from that point on all i wanted to do was go to sleep. job interviews knock me out. i guess its all the emotional hype involved in them. or something. i just find them so exhausting. mentally, emotionally, physically. all three. i always just want to go to bed after them.
yesterday when i got home i changed out of my suit, hung it up, and climbed into bed where i watched TV (food network) and tried to rest without falling asleep. i didn't want to fuck up my sleep schedule with such a late nap. when my parents got home about an hour later i was drifting in and out, but they dragged me out of bed to go to chilis for dinner. yum. i love their black bean burgers. even without the bun or the french fries ;)
after dinner, while my dad was paying bills and trying to figure out why on earth i would watch the food network when i was on a diet, my mom and i went through the menu for the big grad party to sort out a list of things we need to buy. usually, my parents just have these things catered. but this year, for some reason, they've decided that they'd like to do most of the cooking and only cater a few dishes. we've already started prepping--two quiches, a loaf of banana bread and a loaf of zucchini bread have all been made and frozen. but we still have tons of cooking ahead. we'll see if we end up killing each other in the kitchen in the process. its looking like a possibility.
still, i am indeed looking forward to the party. forget about all the gifts i hope to get ;) i'm just really anticipating all the people i get to see. that's probably my favorite thing about events like these, getting everyone together. college graduations, like weddings, are one of those things people come out for. i think all 6 of my dad's siblings will be here. with pretty much all the kids (4 of us older ones, 8 of the younger ones), the only ones missing will be my cousin danny with his wife jeanette and their 4 children. even second cousins will be there (daltons, antals), and great aunts and uncles. plus there's shirley and sinead (and sharon, who i've yet to meet) over from ireland. ragini and becca coming out from the city, karen flying down from canada (yay!) and hopefully rob and ehren coming from upstate. and all kinds of old family friends: the manns, the lauxes, the espositos, the schenos. its going to be totally insane. i think, all told, we will have invited between 90 and 100 people. just to hang out in my backyard, eat drink and be merry! hah. fun times.
in a week's time, shirley and sinead will have arrived. so psyched about that. also, hopefully, by then i will have some news on the status of that last job interview. eek. wouldn't it be nice for me to have a job before my big party? that way instead of having to tell people i'm 'looking for a job' i can say 'i'm working at___.'
my ability to pay attention to anything for more than 5 minutes at a time has disappeared this afternoon. i feel like a kid in elementary school the last day before a big vacation. like christmas or something. in reality, i'm an adult in an office building the day before a long-ish weekend. weird.
i'm going to stop now. i fear i am too incoherent to continue with this entry.
xo.
May. 28th, 2005 @ 12:32 am
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| » i wanna be your vehicle baby |
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trying to blow some time before my train into the city.
job interview this morning. i won't say much about it, other than the fact that i'm slightly nervous, and that i'm really hoping it goes well.
thoughts on american idol:
+ disappointed in the outcome.
+ should have been prepared though. if i know anything about this country, it's that it disappoints me in elections. especially when a good-ol-country-bumpkin is at stake.
+ carrie underwood, though vocally talented, is boring. i don't want to watch her stand on stage, without moving, occasionally wiggling her hips around. sorry. but i don't.
+ bo should have won. such a seasoned performer. if he doesn't pull a clay, i'll be really upset.
+ the single? 'inside your heaven' or whatever...it actually sucks. and not because i'm not a fan of the singer. no, really, it's a bad song. all of the originals were...they totally sucked the life out of the finale show.
another thought: people need to stop taking themselves, and hanson, so seriously. therefore, i think its time for an update to fall on your knees. after all there's a new child to talk about, some general dirtiness, this areyoulistening.com siliness, and i've had an 'intermediate guide to hanson' kicking around in the back of my brain for some time now. you up for some of this, bells? (i got your IM, and you're totally right.)
if the weather doesn't pick back up soon, i'm going to spork my eyes out. raining. cold. this is may? are you kidding me? and if it's not nice on the weekend following june 2nd, i'm going to freak out.
speaking of june second. that's the day shirley and sinead arrive at jfk international airport on the second leg of their flight from ireland. i cannot acurately articulate my excitement. too many vowels in a row without consonants would be necessary. not cute. anyway. my irish girls are coming over to new york and i get them for a whole summer! eee! it'll be a busy first weekend, between getting them settled into their apartment and such, but i definitely want to take them to the beach. i miss the beach. if the weather sucks, i'll be upset. not that they're not used to it, you know, coming from a country where it rains almost every day. i mean, i hardly remember sun while i was there, just...grey. lots of grey. but still. i want them to be wowed by the place i grew up, the way i was wowed by the place they grew up.
another thought- i love how as soon as the republicans are inconvenienced by the philibuster, they want to outlaw it. sure, it's not always the greatest thing. but it's a part of the fabric of this country, and you can't just change it on a whim because it's bothering you for the time being. dammit.
and michael jackson? can this whole circus just end? i don't care what the verdict is. even if, in my gut, i think he definitely did something wrong. sure, maybe he wasn't entirely aware of how wrong it was. but guess what, just because you had a difficult childhood and now you can't cope with adulthood doesn't mean you're allowed to behave like this. most criminals had a difficult past- they still faced the music. the only reason he'll get off, if he does, is because he's famous. the law, either judicial or moral, doesn't seem to apply to him. or at least, he doesn't think it should: 'what, there's nothing wrong with sharing a bed with children' yeah...right...just because you don't think there is, doesn't make it so.
hmm. i've probably ruffled some feathers with this post. oh well. gotta be true to myself, it's my journal after all.
for now, i'm off. to pretend this job interview isn't as important as it is. god. i need a job. soon. before my confidence in my own abilities and experience disappears entirely.
May. 26th, 2005 @ 07:00 am
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| » you and your beautiful soul; |
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an entry, perhaps more random, but at least, filled with positive thoughts.
& the most attractive man hit on me in tj's the other day. tall, broad and strong but lean, curly long-ish hair. he wasn't cute and he wasn't hot. he was handsome. the best kind of handsome. and about to graduate from school with an mba. so sad that he was so nervous that he like...freaked after he knocked my drink to the ground and shattered it. he bought me another, but shortly thereafter, left abruptly still strangely enough, a ball of nerves. apologizing to the end for my drink.
& it was probably far too satisfying to look up from my glass, first to make eyes at the boy i was talking to, only to catch tomas watching me intently as i flirted with someone else. fucking men. you get one talking to you, and all of a sudden, you're ten times more attractive to all the others.
& speaking of other men in my recent history. pete. finally dealt with that crush. it didn't even make me jealous to see him with the fiance. or listen to her tell me, over and over, that she is engaged. i was fine. i was over it. oh yeah. last thursday, he tells me, they broke up. fantastic.
& i got some good pics back from graduation. mine and others. i should get some posted soon, i hope. its weird to look at them, though. to remind myself that its all over. that whole four years. i still don't believe it.
& bought a new blowdryer today. the main one karen and i had been using died painfully the day of graduation, and made me late for meeting my parents, which they were not thrilled about. the other one we had wasn't so great, so we threw both of them out while packing up the apartment. i got a new ceramic ion one today. yay. let's hope this one works well, and lasts.
& also, bought a magazine and some spray sunblock. i fully intend to block up and lounge on the deck tomorrow if its sunny. it better be sunny. i've been inside my house for days trying to sort out the mess that was my life packed into boxes (and its still not done. but i don't care. i need a break.)
& although the job search is slow and frustrating at the moment, today i heard from my uncle who works at chase, that eileen, who i used to work under, has been working pretty hard to get/make me a job in her department. confidence booster that is. also, a clue that i need to email her again, as i have clearly not yet annoyed her to death.
i'm gonna go. wanna watch the end of iron chef america ;) i hope wolfgang puck wins.
xoxo.
May. 19th, 2005 @ 11:21 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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i'm tired. my bedroom is a mess of bags and boxes and belongings that don't all fit into this old space. it stresses me out. and i am unemployed. i can say that officially now. because i am. i'm not just 'without a job for the summer.' this is it. i don't go back to school come fall. i'm just unemployed. jobless and young and sitting around having conversations with my parents about how on earth i'm going to afford health insurance. 'just go without it,' my brother ryan says, as if that's the easiest answer on the face of the earth. but its not that easy. you go uncovered for any amount of time and its difficult and expensive to get yourself covered again. its not that easy. it seems, most things in my life are not that easy right now.
last friday afternoon i was taking the number 6 train downtown. i had errands to run by my old apartment, shoes to pick up from the repair shop, shirts to get from the dry-cleaners. all things i had planned to do before graduation. all things that just didn't get done in the insane and all consuming whirlwind between the end of classes and the end of the graduation hullabaloo. anyway. i was on the six train, and i looked up to read one of the many signs plastering the place where the wall and ceiling of the train car meet. mostly advertisements. barnes and nobles runs this series called 'poetry in motion' (how witty) which i find interesting. often, they quote the weirdest stuff. like the beginning of yeat's 'the second coming' uhm...are they serious? have they read the rest of that poem? anyway. this particular quote is quite beautiful.
Quiet as is proper for such places;
The street, subdued, half-snow, half-rain,
Endless, but ending in the darkened doors.
Inside, they who will be there always,
Quiet as is proper for such people —
Enough for now to be here, and
To know my door is one of these.
and then i read the author's name. robert creeley. and i smiled to myself. i lived with hannah, his youngest daughter, the beginning junior year, and visited london and florence with her later that same year, when we were both studying abroad. amusingly enough, at the time, although i knew her father was a writer, i never knew he was a WRITER. like the kind in history books. i stumbled upon him in the norton anthology of american lit while taking a course on the subject at trinity in ireland. he was anthologized directly before allen ginsberg. i almost shit myself when i made the connection.
he died this year. at the very end of march. and to be caught on the train, reading his poetry, and seeing the dates of his life spread out before me 1926-2005, was strange. it hit me hard. because i knew the daughter who lost him. only a little over a month before she graduated from college. and it made me sad. and it made me realize, no matter how tough or bitter-sweet graduation was for me, that at least i had my father there. my mother too. i have many good things in my life. no matter how often i seem to forget that.
and i do feel lucky. and glad. and proud of myself. and strangely confident about my future most times.
but here's the thing. stress, like b.o., sneaks up on me at the worst times. and somehow, it manages to make a mess of things that should be simple. like sleep--i can't sleep anymore. i have nightmares, sometimes three a night, that wake me up and keep me up for a while and just...suck in general. i know, not articulate, but i don't even know what to say anymore. and job searching. it should be easier than this. my other friends, ones who aren't nearly as qualified as i am (perhaps concieted, but also, true) are finding jobs left and right. and here i am, reading careernet and the new york times again. sitting in my bedroom in my parents house late at night stressing about how i'm going to pay for my health insurance.
and if health insurance wasn't such an issue, i'd be seeing a therapist right now. because i'm making this all much harder for myself than necessary, and i know that, but i can't find a way out of my own head.
god. such a fucking downer. i didn't even mean for this entry to go there. it just...did. and the fact that it even ended up there bothers me. i need a vacation from myself. a beach and cocktails.
i'm stopping now. perhaps, now that i have internet set up in my room again, i'll be back soon with a more positive entry. because contrary to what this entry makes it look like, there is a lot of good in my life right now.
for instance: i am a college graduate. and i am proud of that.
May. 18th, 2005 @ 11:12 pm
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| » can't you just feel the moon-shine; |
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because i'm in denial about the fact that i should be packing up my apartment right now. oh, and because hanna said so.
1. Total number of films I own on DVD/video: that i bought? about 36.
2. The last film I bought: Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason
3. The last film I watched: Little Black Book *is ashamed*
4. Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me: Almost Famous, Pride & Prejudice, Bridget Jones (reminds me of Ireland), any SATC, any LOTR (reminds me of childhood)
5. Which five people am I passing the baton onto? Karen, Felicity, Cath, Kirstie, Bells
May. 7th, 2005 @ 11:45 am
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| » the good old days weren't always good and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems; |
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it appears rob has gotten a job offer. its exciting to see all these people i know and love finding the beginnings of their very own lives. even if every once in a while, kind of like now, i have an 'oh my god why can they get it together when i can't?!' moment when i hear everyone's good news. extreme excitement with a twinge of minor jealousy. lots of things like that in my life recently.
the end of it all. of college. it hasn't been at all what i imagined. it's been so incredibly different. harder and stranger and in ways, more wonderful.
i always envisioned the end of college like the end of high school. senioritis and senior class events and dances and parties and slacking off right through the very end. always with my friends and knowing where i was headed, even if it scared me a little (or a lot).
at our second meeting, my fiction professor looked at me, and said "you glide, don't you? you're good at things, and you do well without really trying, right?" i don't know how she could tell. we'd only had one face to face meeting before, and a handful of classes in which we didn't interact very directly and i didn't talk excessively. but she was right. somehow, she just knew that about me.
i have glided through college, for the most part. but not even close to the way i glided through high school. i've done much more work here, for what i have, than i did in high school. the end of college has been a lot harder than the end of high school. the school work still mattered, even though the senioritis was there begging me to say 'screw it.' my friends were all as busy, or busier than i have been, so we haven't seen nearly enough of each other. there haven't been many senior parties or activities or dances. i don't know where i'm headed. its all bigger and scarier and heavier than the end of high school was. i'm not sure why i didn't expect that.
but it has taught me a lot.
like. my first job, whenever i do find it, will not be what i expected. it will be far less glamorous and far more hours and far more underpaid than i used to envision. that's okay. i just want to have something to do. i don't want to be at home forever. i want to be able to move in with becca in august.
but regardless of all the scary stuff. this is all kind of amazing. and i know i'm going to be so much of a better person for all of it. no matter how it ends up working out.
this time next week i will have walked the stage in the arena at madison square garden, and graduated from the college of arts and sciences at new york university. go figure.
xo.
edit: shelby. i got your package in the mail yesterday. fucking amazing. it very seriously made my entire day. my entire week. adorable and thoughtful. thank you so very, very much. also, i miss you, and i'm going to send you a letter as soon as i can. xoxoxo.
May. 3rd, 2005 @ 10:10 pm
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| » should i keep going lose the life that i love; |
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simple things make me happy these past two days.
& chanel's organdy nailpolish on my toes. bright summery pink.
& learning how to operate the strobe lights in the photo studio.
& starbucks iced black tea with splenda.
& working on divided.
& feeling warm, even in the shade.
& flipflops. especially my black haviannas and the kelly greens from oldnavy.
& freshly cleaned sheets and duvet cover.
& spotting jonny lang, hand in hand with his wife, roaming times square as if he were nobody.
& the purple index card organizer into which i've filed all of my notes for divided.
& fontina cheese on garlic melba rounds.
& vital-t vitamin water.
& clean clothes. (spent 9 dollars on laundry lst night. 5 washers and 4 driers)
& the tail end of my dyptique baies candle. smells like heaven.
& tarte 'lip tease' lip gloss.
& countdowns to half blood prince.
& irish studies dept finally processing the paperwork for my minor.
& new camera bag.
& prospect of an evening of free drinks at a swank uptown bar on saturday.
a few things that make me nervous lately.
& countdowns to graduation. (34 days)
& the meeting (interview?) with a woman from chase. who works in chicago. might i have to move to chicago? big, slightly scary thought.
& still don't have a job.
& tomorrow's early dental appointment. whole right side of my face will be numbed. yuck.
& my sudden desire to devour sirius/ofc fic. not good. must be productive.
& the 15 page research paper i haven't started yet.
Apr. 7th, 2005 @ 01:46 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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its weird. because usually, this isn't my type of thing. its more the domain of like, my mother.
but i cannot turn cnn off. i've been watching it all day. obsessively.
like i cannot miss the very moment when they announce his death. at one point, a few tears even leaked.
i can't explain it. but there it is.
Apr. 1st, 2005 @ 07:14 pm
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| » sometimes i wonder; |
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maybe there's something wrong with me. sometimes i feel like there is. like. why don't i feel as wrapped up in livejournal as so many of my friends do? livejournal is this huge part of my life. i refresh it fiftymillion times a day, just trying to get a glimpse into the lives of the people i care about, all spread out across the world. i don't know what i'd do without it, and when i'm away, i suffer withdrawl. i love it, because even when i'm doing a million things and have no time for im and i should be writing papers or applying for jobs, i can still make sure everyone is okay. it makes me feel connected, even when we're all going a million miles an hour in our own lives.
but i just...i dunno. am i missing out on something? is there something fundamental about the emotion of livejournal that i've never tapped into? lately i've been feeling like i'm ambivalent to it, like, everyone gets something about this that i've never found, like i'm on the outside. but not in a bad way, i guess. not like i'm left out. just like...i'm missing something that my friends are getting. sigh.
i don't mind when people don't comment. this journal is as much for myself as it is for anyone else. i know i don't always comment, even though i read every word of every entry, so i don't expect everyone to always have the time or the inclination or the ideas for commenting. that's fine. in fact, its more than fine. because i have faith in the medium. i believe that the people i care about, who care about me, are keeping up. are thinking about me as much as i'm thinking about them, even if we don't always say it. (because i think about you guys all the time, ask any of my RL friends, you're always coming up in conversation)
i know i need to work on keeping in touch with people. more emailing and letter writing and stopping my life to take the time to have a phone or im conversation with people. i've known this correspondence thing is a weakness of mine for a few years now. i hate that about myself. and i need to put more effort into changing it.
but i'm here. and i always have been. and i've always believed that all of you have been here to, and will continue to be. no matter how silent we sometimes become. because that's one of my favorite things about good friendships. you don't always have to work on them. sometimes, you can be apart for a while, busy with what makes up your own life, and you can come back, and its just like no time ever passed between you. the ties that bond you haven't changed, and the camradarie is still there, as strong as it ever was. so is the love. i believe, with many of you, i have good friendships.
i'm not sure what i'm saying anymore. or what i was ever trying to say.
maybe its just that i'm still here. that i intend to be here for a long time. with or without comments on my livejournal or guestbook entries or websites to page through. cause its never been about that for me. this has always just been a medium, conveying something much larger than any of these pixels could ever hope to contain.
maybe its that i'm sorry if any of you feel like i'm not here. because i don't comment enough or im frequently, or remember to email. i am here. i really am.
and maybe its that i wish you guys could feel as secure in this as i do. or that i wish i could pour myself into this more deeply and emotionally.
i don't know. i'm probably not making sense. but i had to say it, whatever it was. because its been on my mind for the past day or so.
clare said it better, i think, than i ever could. my mind is too much a mess right now.
i love you guys. no matter what. i hope you know that.
xo.
Mar. 24th, 2005 @ 12:39 pm
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| » dark and silent late last night i think i might have heard the highway calling; |
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spring break, for the most part was amazingly relaxing. drove down to pawley's island friday. stay there till monday. visited brookgreen to be in awe of plantation gardens and american sculpture. knitted a ton. used my gift certificate (bday gift from parents) to buy frivolous but beautiful yarn that cost more than i would ever spend on my own. monday through wednesday evening we were in myrtle beach, the center of all that is tacky. played mini golf and walked on the beach and shopped and painted pottery on a rainy day and went to dixie stampede (like medieval times but with a south vs/ north bent).
thursday we spent the entire day driving back up to manhattan for patty's day. crazy kids we are. went to TJs with everyone. i continue to be teased about my flashing episode. regardless. had a ton of fun. too bad thomas left before i could get drunk enough to be bold enough to really flirt with him. he's so attractive its kind of ridiculous. although, i'm sensing that caitlin, my cousin, is after thomas. which is bad. its not good to have that kind of competition between family members/close friends. (especially mckennas, our sense of competition is too violent.) anyway. drank a lot. sang fields of athenry at the top of my lungs with dave. met some fun new people. drank some more. had the most amazing sandwhich in the middle of the night in some strange deli. with the exception of karen's passing out/puking episode, the evening was great fun. i have some insane pictures. and i gained a green plastic carnation and a green hard hat. how exciting.
after spending friday sleeping to recover once we got back to long island, saturday we went to swarthmore to watch ryan's game. they won, thank god. they were kicking ass, then they choked, and had to win in sudden death overtime. we got home well after midnight (it was a night game). today, we slept and lazed around. twas wonderful. i'm not ready to face class tomorrow. i haven't even touched my assignments.
points of interest (postitive and otherwise):
+ ryan's helmet managed to cut his forehead open during the game. he now has a headache and 6 stitches on his forehead just slightly above and between his eyes. harry potter/pothead jokes were made.
+ i grew up playing soccer with katrina, from the age of 5 until the age of 17. yesterday, her younger brother lucas was stuck and killed by a train up the block from his house. he's the second child that family has lost. a daughter drowned in the family pool when she was two back when we were kids. they're the last family things like this should happen to, they're such wonderful people. it was shocking to hear that news on cbs 880 radio last night on the darkened new jersey turnpike. to recognize the name in the news report.
+ i spent about 6 hours painting a ceramic mug in myrtle beach. that's how anal i am. 6 hours on one mug. it better be amazing when we recieve it in the mail.
+ while i was away, my class ring arrived at my parents house. i got it on friday. its highly exciting. moreso than my usual jewlery aquisitions. because i've really EARNED this one. moreso than the high school ring i got years ago. this one means something to me. i'm proud to wear it.
+ so here's something scary: its nearly april. gah. i still don't have a job. still haven't heard back from the grey people i intereviewed with essentially a month ago. i'm starting to freak the fuck out. i need a job so i can get my life in line. this is all so big and hard to get my mind around. and happening so damn fast.
+ i graduate on may 10th. woah.
+ on the 28th i have to turn something in to my fiction class for workshopping. i have nothing. this is also worrisome.
i should go. reading to do for my workshop tomorrow. need to get that done if i want to meet selina for lunch after her job interview.
xoxo.
Mar. 20th, 2005 @ 10:26 pm
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| » why did i lie, why did i walk away to find; |
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i have made it my personal mission to improve the status of blue's 'breathe easy' on audioscrobbler. this means i listen to little else. but its all good. the vocal...sigh...i could listen to this forever, solely for lee's jump into his upper register at the chorus. i can't believe i'm even admitting that i know who sings what part in this song.
speaking of crappy boybands. let's talk about one from my past. in a little less than two weeks, i'll be seeing the backstreet boys @ irving plaza with nicole. she's so excited its kind of out of control. but then, she's still a fan. i'm tagging along for company, and the sake of nostalgia for the age of 14. as long as nick carter manages to stay out of jail/court for the next two weeks, it should be an interesting (and WEIRD) experience.
i'm kind of glad my birthday has now passed. its tiring, being social director for an event like that. constantly calling people to check up on whether or not they're coming. trying to get numbers settled for reservations. finding a locale. i don't want to have to think about that stuff for a while. fortunately, i won't have to ;)
saturday night's celebration was fun (even if people suck and ditch last second and it ended up only being 6 of us instead of 12). waikiki wally's was fabulously tacky. the drinks were fab. so was the food. we got drunk and laughed and i had a size 8 pump made out of chocolate, filled with chocolate for dessert with a little candle on top. so perfect. a shoe for dessert on my brithday ;) we parted ways with bess and ragini and caitlin/karen/ehren/i went up to TJs. gunther was the only one there. no cute irish boys. which was fine. ehren and i stood in the street and drank half a bottle of vodka, topped up with redbull talking about our plans for after graduation. i ended up following him around like a puppy for much of the night. which was fine. at one point karen and caitlin had to assure the bartender that the sounds he heard coming from the bathroom ehren and i were in couldn't possibly be sex. i don't know that gunther was convinced. but really, the quote that best describes the night, and how fun and funny it was, came from karen the next morning: "so uhm, if it had been anyone other than ehren, your virtue would not be quite so intact this morning."
sunday we had brunch @ essex. which was much needed. by the time we got seated i was starving, and not shockingly, still drunk. every sunday i end up eating there, i'm always convinced the eggs are the best i've ever had. i think that has to do with the fact that i'm almost always there post-bender.
yesterday, the real bday, i bought cupcakes and juice boxes for my poetry workshop. everyone was like...shocked that i did it. whatever. it was fun. to celebrate the way we used to when we were kids. cupcakes and apple juice biotches. happy birthday to me.
then, i got to meet up with laura and rob (caitlin and karen too) @ serendipity to celebrate my real bday with some folks who couldn't make it out saturday. also, wonderful. rob is just...so funny. we don't get to see each other enough, which is quite sad, because we always have SO MUCH FUN. and laura is laura. that girl is one of my fave people to hang out with. so needless to say, dessert was a blast.
afterwards, caitlin and i met doug and dave @ tjs. pete was working this time. except, due to the crazy crappy freezing weather, the bar was DEAD. like, it was the 4 of us and pete. awesome, but kind of awkward. mostly because its like...blatantly obvious to everyone when you try and flirt. and in a small group like that i'm hyperaware of everything i do regarding pete, and hyperaware of how taken he is. and he's also like, overly aware of how dangerous the situation is, which kills some of the fun of seeing him. but then, on the other hand, it was really fun with just the four of us, we danced to random old music and we got so many good 'birthday' shots that i was BLASTED when i got home (unfortunately, not really so much while i was out, cause they took time to kick in). i didn't sleep much at all last night. kept waking up every hour. had some interesting dream type things though. i won't go there now, but, yeah...
today, i went out for lunch with my photo class, then we visited one of the galleries on campus. that was fun. my photo class has a really good mix of people, and we all get along really well, so lunch was really enjoyable (we had taiwanese, because one of the kids in the class is from taiwan-yum). then, the guy who lead our tour of the grey galler (i think he's one of the curators, he's also a fine arts grad student) was cute as hell. like woah. thick framed glasses and olive button up shirt and light eyes with dark hair. possibly, not gay, as well. which is always nice. he was nice to watch instead of looking at the photos. he would have been nice to make out with.
ps. i'm like, in heat right now, or something. not to be vulgar. but its crazy. i just want to hook up with anything remotely attractive and male that crosses my path. dangerous.
leave for spring break tomorrow night. i need to pack. in fact, i should be doing that now. cause i think i promised doug and dave i'd go out tonight...so...yeah...i better get kicking on that. thank god for break. i need some space from my real life. and a cute southern boy to kiss ;)
Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 03:34 pm
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| » you make me want to la-la; |
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i'm still sick. not quite as miserable as i was on, say, sunday. i feel better. i just SOUND horrible. my voice is fucked and i'm coughing up all sorts of lovely, and my nose is still alternately runny and stuffy. its really all a very sexy thing.
two weeks to go, and karen and i have just booked ourselves a hotel for spring break. the 11th we're driving down to pawley's island to visit my aunt and uncle until the 13th. then on the 14th we're driving up to myrtle beach (45 mins north) to stay there until the 17th (we got a great deal on a hotel, thank god). then we're road-tripping it back again. i'm looking forward to it. to brookgreen gardens and broadway at the beach and, well, the beach. it'll be fun. we'll even do some traditional college style spring break stuff. clubbing and laying on the beach hung over and such. i can't believe this is the last spring break. seriously. can't.
just submitted the fourth installment of divided. finally. i've been having a dry spell lately with my writing. which sucks a lot when you're taking two writing classes. i'm hoping i can really dig into editing the first installment of ode to maybe.
yesterday, perhaps a month or so too late, i went out and bought myself two new winter hats. they were on sale. and i haven't been able to find my favorite gap one in ages. and for some reason, i've been noticing that my head is cold a LOT lately. its so weird. i've never noticed it before. anyway. they're so cute! one is 'fur' lined with ear flaps and aviator style pockets, in a black and grey tweed. the other is just plain black knit, with a cute little brim on the front.
either tomorrow, or friday i'm going shopping. i need a birthday outfit! or really, just a new top. and a new bra. ragini asked what kind of top i was looking for. the consesus is a) cute and b) kinda slutty. lol. i think ragini is gonna go shopping with me.
saturday night we're celebrating my birthday. i don't know how many people will be there, as i kind of waited AGES too long to nail down my plans and a lot of people are busy, but i'm sure it will be fun. we're going to a place called 'waikiki wallys' it looks really adorable. totally kitschy polynesian joint. the food is supposed to be good, but the drinks are supposed to be fabulous. (they come in three sizes: tiki mug, scorpion bowl, and volcano bowl) i'm looking forward to piling around a table in a wacky place, with my wacky friends, and snacking and drinking until we're giddy. that's definitely an ideal birthday for me.
thank god tomorrow is thursday. i mean, i have a shitload of stuff to do this weekend, so its going to be busy. but yeah. i'm looking forward to the weekend. caitlin has talked karen and i into going back to tj's for karaoke tomorrow night. we'll see how that goes. cross your fingers for us...i just don't want it to be awkward, seeing pete again after all of that...stuff. caitlin's been back, and seen pete, and she was all "he's awesome he's so funny!" so that's a good sign. but yeah. i can't help but be a bit nervous.
tonight, i spent 7 dollars doing laundry. 4 loads of wash and three loads in the dryer. that's insane. i didn't even realize i had that much laundry. i could barely carry it all downstairs by myself.
the 22nd birthday is tuesday. how weird is that? 22. i can't believe i'm that old (even if it is young). it catches me off guard every time i think about it. i hope i get fun things for my bday this year. i don't usually get many gifts anymore, i guess cause i'm so old ;)
still haven't heard back from grey about the interview. i'm getting antsy about it. but worse, i'm beginning to second guess myself. i hate that.
the list of things i need to do for my career search is MASSIVE.
i should go now. sleep a bit. classes tomorrow, and lots of work to do, trying to knock stuff off my ever growing to-do-list.
xo.
Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 01:42 am
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| » if only you could feel what i dream; |
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this weekend, i stole a pair of socks from my brother. they were in his bedroom. and i was in need of warm/high socks to go with my adorable new rubber boots, purchased specifically for the snowstorm this past weekend. when i put on ryan's socks, the heel, shaded dark grey, was half way up my calf. he's so big.
had my cavity drilled and filled. this time, it was a less eventful visit. no near hyperventillation. just like, 6 million shots of novocaine. why, oh why, must i be one of those freaks upon whom such drugs/anesthetics, never work? the shot is the only part i don't like. and i have to have multiple shots, every damn time.
'my super sweet sixteen' is on in the background. the girl having the masquerade ball. although the kind of party she's having is greatly similar to the kind all of my friends had back when we turned sixteen, i still find this girl to be excessively, and irritatingly spoiled. these chicks need reality checks.
but then, when i was 16, i needed a reality check too. looking back at old poetry, from those teenaged years, and even sometimes further back...woosh. drama queen much? sometimes i wonder how my parents even put up with me. friends too. but then, i'm sure, someday i'll look back at all of this, here and now, and feel the same way.
i just put on a biore nose strip. i'm never particularly impressed with their pore clearing abilities. but, they're really great at exfoliating my nose. in addition to the fact that its winter and my skin is quite dry, my nose gets really flakey and such all around my nose ring. probably from the fact that i rarely rub it with a towel or washcloth or anything, because i don't want to yank the ring out. i love weekend evenings filled with face masques and exfoliators and such.
went to dinner with caitlin and her parents tonight. hauled ass up to 111th and amsterdam for chinese at a place called columbia cottage. it's across the street from st john the divine. that cathedral is even beautiful at night.
makes me miss the cathedrals in paris. but then, lately, lots of things make me miss paris (like the vermeers in the met or a very long engagement or baguettes in the grocery store). i've missed london too. and dublin, oh dublin. my irish american folklore and pop culture class is taught by an irishman. every tuesday and thursday his accent makes me miss my family there, and my life in that city.
no one ever told me, that after something like that, i would probably spend the rest of my life missing places. missing new york from dublin, missing dublin from new york. like pieces of me are always left far behind.
the other morning in the shower, i cut open my forehead with my aquamarine ring, the one i got for my 18th birthday. its got sharp corners, and it turned around on my finger in the shower. when i went to run my hands through my shampoo filled hair, i dragged it across my temple. it only bled a little, fortunately. i remember, the last time i did this, cut my face with this ring, was the morning of september eleventh. i was throwing myself back down in bed after my mother called crying to see if i was alive. i remember being so frustrated that she'd woken me for something so silly and overdramatic. at the time, i didn't yet know what had happened.
wednesday morning at eight am i have a breakfast meeting with eileen. i don't really know what's going to happen. i'm just...praying that it goes well. that she has advice to offer. and people she can connect me with. i want to get this whole job thing squared away. thursday afternoon i have an 'interviewing skills' seminar. its the second seminar i have to attend in order to use the on campus recruitment services. pray for me. i just want to start to settle myself into life. i hate feeling so emotionally and physically up in the air.
yesterday, karen and i started knitting swatches, 12 inch squares hers in 'orchid' and mine in charcoal. we're making big throws together. piecing together all the patches we'll have knitted up into two square blankets that we can each take with us to our new homes, pieces of both our work together in each throw. we're sappy. but it makes me happy. as of tonight, we're 4 swatches into the 56 we'll need to knit.
i should go now. need to get up early in the morning for pilates before i have to do some work, and some homework.
xoxo.
Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 11:24 pm
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